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Dropping the balls

May 11, 2011

 

Dropping the balls
 
I have been forgetting things lately. Things that are not critical but which affect others. I have three times (that I know of) in the last week forgotten to make arrangements and inform people about something. When it happened yesterday I found that I spiraled downward into a depression about my lack of attention and level of distraction. I cannot fall back on saying that I am totally Zen and in the moment. I admit that I am not keeping it all together and have recently dropped a few too many of the balls that I have been keeping in the air.
 
At first I excused myself by saying that it wasn’t important and a mild disappointment to my friend when I didn’t bring her a DVD that she had lent me. Slipped my mind. On the second instance, I did not complete an arrangement with my stepdaughter and I apologized to her when I realized that it was not her fault that she didn’t show up at a meet; it was mine. And then yesterday...I won’t go into it but...the ball I dropped a couple of weeks ago came back at me. I could not control a feeling of defeat. The condemnation that I extended to myself was overwhelming and I watched as I fell deeper into self hatred.
 
After wallowing for a while, I began to get some perspective as I remembered that everyone disappoints some of the time and as my mother said to me, “You are doing too much!” I am distracted and not able to juggle as much as is required right now. This is good information for me to process so that I can prioritize and limit my commitments accordingly. I know from past experience that if I do not respond to this relatively mild reminder that has been afforded to me then the universe tends to send increasingly urgent messages. I do not want to call upon myself a disastrous situation which I am unable to handle with any equilibrium. 
 
I will stay with this sense of curiosity towards how I am overextending myself and make more judicious choices in the near future. I will wake up and pay attention.
 
Forever seeking balance,
Kim


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Posted by laura busheikin on
This post filled me with love for you.
Posted by Alexandra Scarr on
Dear Kim: It's all good. Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise & haste, & remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly & clearly: and listen to others, even the dull & ignorant: they too have their story. Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain & bitter: for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble: it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs: for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is: many persons strive for high ideals: and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love: for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars: you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all it's sham, drudgery & broken drams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

Found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore: Dated 1692.
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